Desperate Need of Critique!?

Posted by admin on July 18th, 2011

So I am thinking about having this read at the Creative Writing Meeting. I would like advice, and critisim. The more the merrier.

My excuse for this is watching Law and Order SVU at two in the morning after reading Misery by Stephen King. does it sound plausible for this strange creation?

What I thought a rope, was a snake. a snake that knew my will, that knew my wishes, my desires, what was best for me before I knew it myself. The snake embraced her neck, twisting in upon itself, flicking its encouraging tail into my hand. Uncertain, I gave a tug. Her weak neck surged forward, unleashing the siren in her throat. The snake told me "no," grew taunt in my hands, and helped me go forward.

I asked her to scream. I begged. I pleaded loud, clear, and gently as her punctured skin wept. She refused. it was her fault, she continued to force me to cause pain. She stood over me as a giant weeping silently. She's still there, in that room below me.

I should go check on her.

no.

I can't stand her right now. She'll force me to do more things. She'll make me take it out. Silence will be my reward. I hate having to work so hard for that small moment of sanity, for that moment of bliss that comes when her scream rises through me. The small leverage that causes illusions hand to slip.
I'm going.
I must have it.
I must be released from this abyss masqerading as a dining room table. I haven't eat fro two days. Not since that other girl left. She left a most humble way. She swirled away, turning as a dancer might, down a drain. The parts of her that biologically were of no use to me compressed, foul smelling.

I still wanted to touch her.

I didn't want her to be gone.

I didn't want her to go.

God knows best, my body is his temple, and he knows best.

I make sure to go heavily downstairs, I want her to fix herself for me. I want her full attention when I take it out. She must be aware, only the people who are awake learn. Her lesson today is to know her place. I am in charge.She is still in her chair, shoulders stretched out not supporting her curtain of hair. It's covering her nudity, she is hiding her temple from me! no! this will not do!Snatching the offending curtain, and a slice of moon in my hand, I cut away the shadows. The moon will see the temple, will flow over the temple, the moon will enter the temple.

.

woow, this is amazing. you have written this with a strong voice, very intriging and captivating.. you should definetely complete this and read it for your Creative Writing.

- im impressed.

I love your style of writing, though it's pretty confusing. I read through it a few times, but still didn't quite understand the details. Though, you've conveyed the mood very well. It's helpless, melancholic, Forceful.

Though throughout the piece that you have shared with Y!a is quite confusing, I really enjoyed the writing.

You should definitely share it in your Creative Writing Club.

Bravo! Bravo! Amazing! I really like your descriptive writing, and ability to make me want to read on, I hope you continue. <3

Hey I like this alot. Great detail and it definitely kept me interested.

I am not really good at harsh critique though sorry

<3 it please write more.

Wow- this is really great writing. I love your style- clean but original and poetic at the same time. I'm a little confused by what's happening however. but this is of course a short snippet. I honestly cannot think of what to change. I know that you asked for critiques, so I'm looking for one- perhaps you could put more detail into what's happening plot-wise or perhaps use some literary techniques? I think that literary techniques would work well for you- try and add some advanced poetic techniques to help embed some extra elements to your work.